Shanila Chuer

      This week was one of those week where I let myself intensely immerse into my own thoughts. I have a long history of killing my own will to live with my own horrible thoughts. It's pretty hard to decide on where to go from there though now that I'm older and have tons of responsibility on my shoulder. I mean there are days where I would want to pack my bags and just go somewhere but I know I'm SANE enough not do it.        And all that has been happening around the world today, I think it's safe to say that my heart is just in a complete mess. One day I'll be up and running and other days I'm just wishing that time would just pause to let everyone breathe, to let me breathe for a second.       For my brothers and sisters in Gaza, I know it's written in Allah's fate, I know it's written in the stars that you will someday be okay but for now I think it's killing everyone that we can't do much. I feel pathetic to be this help...

This is going to be a long one. Bear with me. Losing bapak is one of the most painful thing that I have ever experienced. It was confusing too. After I received a call saying that Bapak was gone I scrambled through my stuffs not knowing what to do. My intention was to pack my stuffs and went straight to the airport, but instead I just kinda make a mess of my room not knowing what to pack. I then realised that I needed to stop moving and take a breath. I did. I stopped moving. But instead I bawl. I bawl myself out and I wanted to scream. The packing? I end up packing all these ridiculous stuffs that i don’t even need. I pulled myself together and drove myself to the airport. I didnt cry the whole way. It was too much. I was angry that i had to drove myself to the airport. I arrived at Bapak’s and I know what I am going to see. And there Bapak was, lying down with the sarong covering his whole body and face. I didn’t want to touch him. I cried. But I sat quite far from where he w...

I have been distant. It’s not something that I do half conscious, it’s something that my body seems to be doing these days. To be distant. I go to work, I go home, I have my meals alone most of the time at home. I do everything pretty much alone. It’s like my mind is telling me what’s the point of sitting at a table and talk about people. Having a lot on my plate, the last thing that I would want is to deal with some petty stuffs. Friendships are something that is very rare to find nowadays. To find someone that would sincerely have your back and not talk crap about you, man that would be an achievement of a lifetime. I’m blessed to have some cool friends. Those I know from high school, that would have my back. But these days I’m keeping a lot of things to myself I guess I don’t even know how to talk about me to someone anymore. I have also learned how to express anger, and disappointment. I say no most of the time, I stopped pleasing people that don’t give a crap. I deleted most...